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Through clouds and shadows

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I haven't been myself, not for a while now... That is the realisation I reached through this burnout and consecutive necessary timeoff. Just say: “YES!” was my motto as reminded me a good friend. Where is that Flo gone? Don't get me wrong: I brought myself there, on my very own, willingly and aware. I love my job and freely gave my full mind to it. I love my company and dedicated my energy to serve it. My ambition and passion for challenging and exciting work have been entirely satisfied so far, but at what cost? The positive and enthusiastic social butterfly is gone, or maybe hibernating. - Do you recall, not long ago, when we used to be free spirited, explore the world around us, and not be so cautious? I miss that Flo. I used to walk the streets barefoot, dancing around by day and by night; now I safely stay home. I used to seek my friend's time; now I push them away. It is time to be myself again.

My tiny little pill

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I should be asleep right now.
I took a sleeping pill several hours ago, yet something woke me up. Not sure what or who; my brain is fuzzy..

What time is it? 3:17am. I have work in a few hours.
I stand up and walk to the kitchen for some water.
I already feel some of the side effects of the medication, the most common ones. Unstable heartbeat, dizziness, blurred vision.
I am used to them by now. It is like I'm intoxicated but without the delectable toxin. I know I should not be up.
I have hurt myself before, and I know the longer I keep standing, the more chances I'll hurt myself again.

I walk back to my bedroom, safely holding myself against the walls.
I'm so confused, I run into the door frame, hurting my forehead _ hard. Ouch. That will hurt in the morning.
All this sleepwalking is ruining my budget. Sleeping tablets and painkillers are my main expenses by now.
I finally reach my bed and lay down, trying to relax, and get back to my senses.

I fall in and out of con…

Strangle struggle

Saturday, October 19th, 2013
4:27am
Narration of a #Nightmare

I watch him,
Coming towards me through the crowd,
Looking intensely as if he can see through me,
Seeing my deepest thoughts and unspoken fears.
His hands reaches for me,
His body drawn closer to mine.
I can feel his breath against my jaw.
I can smell a strong, odd pepper smell.
His hand wraps around my throat,
And already I'm chocking,
Searching for air,
My hands sweating,
My eyes watering.
Now I'm only smoke.
And I wake up.

A photo posted by Florence Poirel (@florencepoirel) on Jul 22, 2016 at 2:27am PDT

Latter days

"Tuesday,  3am
Once again I cannot sleep.
It's like I'm waiting for time to fix some part of me that keeps on breaking.
I've already thrown out the newspaper,
And I've washed the leftover dishes.
Nothing to do but stay here,  think."

Disclaimer: this is not my original work. For some reason, every time I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot fall back asleep, this text come into mind.
Source : Journal entry from 'Christian' in movie Latter Days http://m.imdb.com/title/tt0345551/. Songhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbtFLxtFwg8
Morning world! A photo posted by Florence Poirel (@florencepoirel) on Aug 9, 2016 at 8:56pm PDT

Another early morning

Wednesday August 10, 2016
5:00am
Dublin, Google Office

My issue is not falling asleep in the evening, my issue is staying asleep at night...

2:33am
I've been awake for a bit now, but just checked the clock. Here we are again.

Step 1: Problem Analysis

Why the F*** can't I sleep? Is it because my mind is racing? Because some light is disturbing my sleep? Or because someone somewhere is awake and alive and making noises that prevent me from sleeping: cars driving by, birds singing, etc.?

Each issue now has a "solution":
- light: put an eye mask on
- noise: put noise cancelling headphones on
- mind racing: well, that's a several step process!

Tonight, my mind is buzzing, my heart is racing. I need to calm the F*** down. I pick up my notebook and start writing down whatever is cluttering up my psyche:
- list of things to do tomorrow (well, today) at the office,
- list of action items to finish before end of week for work,
- list of things to take on vacations,
- list of…